So... I applied for this job, some time back in November and ever since it's tormenting my soul beyond imaginable. I had never before had a panic attack and neither did I think I would have any. Now I have sudden attacks every now and then, all over the day. Who would have guessed, huh? I constantly feel nervious and keep recalling in my mind moments of the interviews (there were 2 interviews): what I did well, and gave them a reason to hire me, and what I did wrong, absolutely ruining my chances to get it. This is so unbearable, for God's sake, why cant I just switch off my brain?
In fact, I'll tell you why: because it is the dream job, MY DREAM JOB. Working in an international company was my dream ever since I started concerning what I want to do with my life. Plus it's an interesting job. Plus a good salary. Plus people a quite nice there :-< Not so constipated as others.[-(
The job is difficult I acknowledge this, but the benefits are way more valuable. The knowlege, the experience, the people to work with, are much more precious and difficult to find in this effing country.
I can't eat properly, I cant work, I cant take my bloody thoughts off this job. I have never thought about myself to be so weak and insecure. Now I think I am and this is not funny AT ALL.
I've lost weight beyond reasonable. My ideal -1 kg, transformed in more, which makes me feel sick, I feel like I am going to throw up anybloodytime, anywhere my organism gives up on me.
Do you know how it feels to do your current job and, at the same time, think about another one? This feeling is so unique in its awkwardity, that I can't even... :|
As I am not very good at dealing with personal fails, ever since the 2nd interview I try to set myself up that I didn't get the job, that I've failed and they won't call me, so it won't hurt so much if they really don't, but without any succes apparently. Every now and then, absolutely out of the blue, I feel flashes of hope passing through my body, like electrical impulses or flashes of thunder, or I don't know what. Everytime when I manage to forget about this, suddenly it strikes me, makes me flinch and, that is all, I can't think about anything else. Everything starts from the very beginning ~X(
Sometimes I feel sure that they will hire me, I remember bits of conversations that hint on that, but I don't allow myself to drown in this illusion. Sometimes I start to feel like Gollum / Smeagol on the way through Emin Muil :)) Ahahahhh pretty close I'd say, only thins time I am on Gollum's side, rather than on Smeagol's:
I really think I'm going mad :-S
I dont want to whine about this but everything I cant think and talk about with other people is THIS JOB. I became an obsessed zombie and these 2-3 days until the final result will be the most insane days of my life so far. And what is even more frightening is that I don't know what to do with my life after that, if they reject me. Not after I've been there. I feel like a freaking belong there, that I have to work there, and...arghhhhh...why can't we have what we want? Why we keep wanting something that is not meant for us? Just why?
If I am meant to spend a mediocre life, working in a mediocre firm, why do I keep longing for more? Who invented this most terrible and twisted instrument of torture: DESIRE without having a way to fulfill it?
God, it feels so good to write it down. Even if this text at this very moment is not yet published, I feel so relieved, so free. I don't know how will I feel tomorrow, probably as shitty as up until now. But knowing that I shared with someone what I feel in this very moment, helps me calm down. No, I don't feel any more confident, neither I feel any less confident, I just don't feel this torment, this urge to curl on the floor and sink into oblivion. I think I need to find an ocupation that will fill my mind with other stuff rather that this job.
Btw, my camera is finally home, so maybe I'll be able to post something this days ^_^
P.S. I feel so bad, for not posting anything for Christmas, but I'm so bad at keeping track of the holidays :( But I pormise to post something on our Christmas (we celebrate it on 7th of January as per the Julian Calendar). ;)
In fact, I'll tell you why: because it is the dream job, MY DREAM JOB. Working in an international company was my dream ever since I started concerning what I want to do with my life. Plus it's an interesting job. Plus a good salary. Plus people a quite nice there :-< Not so constipated as others.[-(
The job is difficult I acknowledge this, but the benefits are way more valuable. The knowlege, the experience, the people to work with, are much more precious and difficult to find in this effing country.
I can't eat properly, I cant work, I cant take my bloody thoughts off this job. I have never thought about myself to be so weak and insecure. Now I think I am and this is not funny AT ALL.
I've lost weight beyond reasonable. My ideal -1 kg, transformed in more, which makes me feel sick, I feel like I am going to throw up anybloodytime, anywhere my organism gives up on me.
Do you know how it feels to do your current job and, at the same time, think about another one? This feeling is so unique in its awkwardity, that I can't even... :|
As I am not very good at dealing with personal fails, ever since the 2nd interview I try to set myself up that I didn't get the job, that I've failed and they won't call me, so it won't hurt so much if they really don't, but without any succes apparently. Every now and then, absolutely out of the blue, I feel flashes of hope passing through my body, like electrical impulses or flashes of thunder, or I don't know what. Everytime when I manage to forget about this, suddenly it strikes me, makes me flinch and, that is all, I can't think about anything else. Everything starts from the very beginning ~X(
Sometimes I feel sure that they will hire me, I remember bits of conversations that hint on that, but I don't allow myself to drown in this illusion. Sometimes I start to feel like Gollum / Smeagol on the way through Emin Muil :)) Ahahahhh pretty close I'd say, only thins time I am on Gollum's side, rather than on Smeagol's:
I really think I'm going mad :-S
I dont want to whine about this but everything I cant think and talk about with other people is THIS JOB. I became an obsessed zombie and these 2-3 days until the final result will be the most insane days of my life so far. And what is even more frightening is that I don't know what to do with my life after that, if they reject me. Not after I've been there. I feel like a freaking belong there, that I have to work there, and...arghhhhh...why can't we have what we want? Why we keep wanting something that is not meant for us? Just why?
If I am meant to spend a mediocre life, working in a mediocre firm, why do I keep longing for more? Who invented this most terrible and twisted instrument of torture: DESIRE without having a way to fulfill it?
God, it feels so good to write it down. Even if this text at this very moment is not yet published, I feel so relieved, so free. I don't know how will I feel tomorrow, probably as shitty as up until now. But knowing that I shared with someone what I feel in this very moment, helps me calm down. No, I don't feel any more confident, neither I feel any less confident, I just don't feel this torment, this urge to curl on the floor and sink into oblivion. I think I need to find an ocupation that will fill my mind with other stuff rather that this job.
Btw, my camera is finally home, so maybe I'll be able to post something this days ^_^
P.S. I feel so bad, for not posting anything for Christmas, but I'm so bad at keeping track of the holidays :( But I pormise to post something on our Christmas (we celebrate it on 7th of January as per the Julian Calendar). ;)
For God's sake... let it go. Move on.. I know how hard is it! You'll have another chance. maybe another company. just don't beat yourself over it. and don't forget about 'cumatrism' stuff, honey . and please. just please. EAT ! and don't lose any more weight. We need you. healthy ;)
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